I miss grandpa!

I woke up early today, earlier than usual. I sat down on the bed with a somewhat heavy heart and almost wanting to burst into tears. Simply cos I was thinking of my late Grandpa...my one and only...and most beloved grandpa!

That's grandpa and me (on his lap) together with other relatives

I am still trying to come to terms with his death even after 6 long years. I am a lil remorsed cos I didnt get to spend more quality time with him during the last days of his life. He was staying with my family at the time....and I feel that I could have done more for him...and with him...during those last days.

Even now, as I type this blog, I can still vividly remember the day when he had a stroke in my house. Since my grandma passed away, my grandpa took turns to stay either at my uncle's, aunties' or my place...just so he can spend time with his kids and grandkids.

It was 6pm+ on one fateful September day in 2000. Grandpa was staying with us at the time. My mum came into my room and said that they (mum, dad and bros) are planning to go out to the supermarket to get some stuff. She also reminded me to make a new batch of hot milk tea for grandpa cos the one is his cup had gone cold. Milk tea was his favourite daily drink...he had never gone through any day without milk tea. I remember I was busy doing somthing (I dun remember what it was) and wasn't too pleased when I had to make milk tea. But i did anyway....and put by my grandpa's side. He was watching tv then...in my bro's room. When I was in the room, I told grandpa to have some dinner cos the food had just been reheated.

A few minutes later, he went to the kitchen to scoop up some rice and dishes himself (like he always did). Come to think of it, I could have eaten dinner with him.....but then again, I didnt. So he ate dinner alone at the dining table and went back to my bro's room. Who knew...that happened to be the last time I saw him being his usual self!

I continued doing whatever I was doing in my room. And my parents came home shortly after from the supermarket. Sumtime after nite prayers, my grandpa said to my youngest bro, Shafiq(who was 10 yrs old then), that he is going to take a short nap and reminded my bro to wake him up at 10pm so he can watch the Malaysian series called 'Gerak Khas'.

So sumtimes ard 9.50pm, my bro went to the room...possibly wanting to wake my grandpa up. Suddenly, he ran out of the room and told my mom, "Mak..mari ikut Shafiq tengok Atuk. Dah kejut tapi atuk tak bangun. Muka dia macam lain gitu" (translated "Mum, come follow me to see Grandpa. Tried to wake him up but he didnt respond.And his face looks different). My mum too was abit nervous and went into the room with my dad.

My grandpa was lying in bed with half his body motionless an u can see one side of his face drooping. Yes, he had a stroke! My dad quickly rubbed some heaty oil onto his motionless arm while my mum started calling all my aunties and uncles to inform them of my grandpa's condition. She called the ambulance too. Shortly after, several of my uncles, aunties and cousins were at my house.... Once the ambulance came, everyone tagged along to the hospital...except for me. I was told to stay home just in case relatives were to call asking abt my grandpa's condition or etc. At the time, my parents didnt have any mobile phone...so the only way to contact them was through the home number.

At ard midnite, my mum called and said grandpa had stabilised and he was able to chat with the family. He specifically asked to speak to all his grandkids....he even asked for me..but I wasn't there. I wish I was! Everyone went home in the wee hours of the morning to rest and shower..before visiting grandpa again in the morning. But, the quietness of the morning was suddenly interrupted by a call from the hospital. So, we all rushed to the hospital and found grandpa in the Intensive Care Unit (ICU). Apparently, the doctor who was supposed to check on him wasn't available the night before and grandpa had to wait till 6.30am. When the doctor was doing his rounds in the morning, he realised that grandpa's heart had stopped beating and managed to resuscitate him after several tries. In the ICU, grandpa was hooked up to so many wires and I only managed to look at him...touch his head, hands, legs.. That's all I could do..

And the time that everyone was not looking forward to came. The doctor asked all of grandpa's kids to meet him inside ICU. When I saw my mum, aunties and uncles came out crying...I was only thinking of the worst. My mum then broke the news to us...saying that grandpa will not last through the day cos his brain was already damaged by the stroke. To enable relatives to visit him during these last moments, the doctor decided to move grandpa to a normal ward instead.

At the ward, I just sat beside grandpa..hoping the doctor was lying abt his condition. I was still wishing and hoping that he will wake up somehow. God is great...anything can happen I thought!

I remembered sitting near my aunt, Linda..talking abt things. Couldnt recall what we were talking abt. The ward was relatively quiet then cos my parents, uncles, aunties and cousins went to have something to eat....the only meal for the day thus far....due to the dramatic morning. Then suddenly, one of the machines that grandpa was connected to started beeping and the numbers displayed continued to descend. Grandpa's legs also started to shake continuously.. and continued to shake even more furiously as the second goes. My only instinct then was to get on my feet and ran to the nurses. I started calling everyone to come back upstairs cos I knew sumthing's gonna happen....soon....sooner than we expected. My mum and uncles continuously whispered the shahadah to grandpa's ears. And soon after, his legs stopped shaking and the machine stopped beeping...but continued with a deafening and endless screeching tone. He was 78.

It was always grandpa's wish to see me walk down the aisle but it was just not meant to be. He showered me with his love and care all these days...and what have I given him in return? Not much. Wish I could have given him more....more of everything. I missed those days we spent in the kampung, going to pick up durians, rambutans...feeding the chickens...making satay...playing masak-masak, sucking on sugarcane. How I wish we could do all that again...